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Of all the virtual relationship murderers, ranging from cheating to playing the hide and seek games to insecurities, one commonly overlooked slip-up from partners which sends a sure relationship to the dunks faster is lack of depth!

Have you ever by chance or intentionally found yourself in a relationship which seemed all perfect “but for” the fact that the communication-flow in terms of depth was just a total fail, and for this reason, it just couldn’t work because there was simply no depth and connectedness? Well I have! And I dare to call it the most irksome feeling ever! Feel free to do the same too.

Every relationship should be firmly established on Trust, understanding and mutual commonalities. And by mutual commonalities, this means that if you and your partner are not aiming at deeper relationship goals, then one of you is surely wasting the other’s time or probably the both of you are simply just passing time.

The core values of relationships are concealed in its depth and this can only be dug out by having deeper and meaningful communication as you journey on which goes deeper than “what’s up”, “have you eaten”, “what are you doing at the moment”, “can I come over”? and the rest. They are all “Okay” questions, alright but if that’s all you have to offer, then consider them– conventional, straight up boring questions that will make your partner quickly beg for a break.

Personally, I hate small talk. I have no patience for them. Probably because I happen to be most times than not, introverted and other times, an ambivert, but if the question or headline of the conversation just comes off as flat, I have no power to pull it along by forcing myself to sustain it because trust me as flat as those small talks may seem, it’s so much hard work pulling them along.

I have managed to be delivered or did I escape? from a relationship that kept bugging my life with random talks which at first made my partner seem like the life of the party, I mean, who says those small talks are not needed sometimes, but sooner than later I realised my life is deeper than a party, and if you’re not speaking to me words that directly feed my spirit, then you’re just not communicating and if you’re not connecting, you’re simply weakening my chords.

You may have made or presently making the same mistake too with your partner– feeding their ears with “chirps” instead of connecting with their mind and soul by walking their miles with them with relevant conversations.

For the new kid on the block and the old soldier wey get barack, if you want to throw your relationships from shallow to deeper, from merely having trivial quantity conversations to quality and from just passing time to consciously spending time together, then you probably want to keep reading……

  • Stop Trying to Impress.

The awful thing about trying to impress is that it leaves you feeling like you’re thriving at communicating when in actual essence, you’re probably becoming a bore by forcing a rather insignificant conversation. For starters, you may want to be yourself as much as you can and take your time to understand your partner and know what interest him/her to talk about. The best way to achieve this is by becoming at least a slim part of what they do. Everyone surely does love to know that someone loves what they do and beyond that, wants to become a part of it! Personally, rather than fluffy superficial topics as “How was your night”, I’d rather be more engaged in more cerebral topics as what I’m working on at the moment and how I can do better at it. The latter will leave a lasting memory with me, but the former will only be appreciated.

  • Shortcuts Are Dead Ends!

In almost everything we attempt, we always look out for the shorter cuts or routes of achieving things with the hope of getting a fine solution. I’ve come to understand that the shortcuts only leave things unsaid and undone Whether it’s that relationship banter you and your partner just had or the initial level of just getting to know your partner, avoid the shortcuts of getting things done. Do what need to be done, say what needs to be said– stop avoiding deep conversations. It’s rather petty to do so. The only reason people shirk important things or conversations is because they are too weak to decide for themselves talk less of taking a stand in a relationship.

So you’re uncool with your partner and you assume that things will kick off itself by sparking up random conversations just to jump off what needs to be talked about? That’s tasteless. Quit confusing silence for peace or maturity.

  • Stop Trying to Be a Sweet Talker When You Can be a Deep Talker!

If you want your emotions to be taken seriously and not treated as an emotional baggage, then you may want to chuck off the sweet talks for deeper talks. Sweet talks are simply what they are– “sweeteners” and sweeteners are not always needed. In fact, when it comes to health matters, because of its negative side effects, sweeteners are advised to be totally avoided. For the health of a relationship, all the “moon and stars” verses and lines have their perfect moments. If that’s all you have to offer, it only shows a deep mediocrity of the mind. By failing to inspire, to motivate, to talk about deeper substantial topics that can build your relationship as what you both intend to achieve for yourselves in the next couple of months or years, your relationship is rather trivial.

I find quite romantic, cerebral conversations. About sweet talking, that one sef dey! But there are days that they just seem rather epileptic. So when we’re done, can we just sail off the harbour into a much more profound conversation as how much of our goals we’re achieving?

  • Take Yourself Seriously.

Quite frankly, the Latin maxim “Nemo dat quod Non Habet” (You cannot give what you don’t have) is simply the best advice one can live for a lifetime with. Truly, what you don’t have, you can’t offer. When you fail to take yourself, your dreams and goals seriously, it reflects on your relationship. There’s so much to talk about and share between partners but sadly some relationships still suffer from lack of deep level communication, hence, it putrefies under the drags of the everyday small talks, and on worse days still, conversations go from random dialogues to laconic responses because there’s just nothing new to talk about!

I have a bad chatting habit; I prefer phone conversations. However, I’ve come to realize that some conversations whether with a partner or with a friend, have the capacity to keep me longer on my phone, punching my keypad to every response because there is already a flow regardless of the medium of communication. But what do I know?

What’s for sure is this – deep conversations are fulfilling, soul satisfactory and mentally stimulating and when you find that one person that knows just how to take conversations from a mundane surface level to an in-depth level which motivates and inspires you to do better and be better, you can spend your entire day life communicating with them building bigger dreams with them, because for every moment gone, it surely feels like the day life just begun.

Best believe! :)


Chinonye J. Chidolue (Nonyewrites)

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