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Welcome to season 1 of comedic tales of heart affairs and social media Bunkness….


I tuck myself in bed munching and sipping on some orange juice and waffles. It rained heavily outside, perfect weather for two, I thought! But it was just me, alone in my room, alone in my life! –waiting for some spark to happen since my break up with Chiugo. “Bloody looser”!

I didn’t want to bring back the memories. It’s been one year now and long overdue to be in some hot romance! I squashed up my pillow, daydreaming and thinking up all the possibilities of a relationship with all the guys that I’d turned down in the past, but nah! None of them had what I needed. None could give me enough reason to even fancy them a little. Meyson would have been my perfect boyfriend but heavens he’s taken! Not only is he taken but he’s desperately in love with her. I’d tried my best to give him the love but he was locked up under her spell. Once, we had this conversation and it seemed like he desired me as much as I wanted him. For the first time, he told me how beautiful he thought I was and how much he’d admired me but the morning after, he uploaded her picture on bbm, then came the heartbreaking pm:

“I’d be lost without you. Thank God I found you”.

That ended my foolery! I mean, to think I’d been under the illusion that Meyson had feelings for me. I gave up trying. Speaking of trying, with Femi, I didn’t even have to try; he had all the love to give but nigga was all up in my face from second to minute. From the series of marathon text messages, to calls to steadily buzzing me on chat! He spoiled me no doubt, sent gifts and flowers to my table “just cause”, but then that wasn’t enough! Ugh! We didn’t just click. He didn’t give me enough time to love him. Something’s surely do take time and love is no exception.

“Hi Femi, you’re a great guy! I appreciate all that you’ve done for me in the past few weeks but I’m sorry, we just can’t happen. I’ll also appreciate if we stopped speaking to each other as I’ve got a lot going on with me and I need some space. I hope you find someone better! Bye”.

Those were my last words. I quickly scribbled it in a note and dropped it under his door. As soon as I got back to my car, I slotted a new sim card into my phone. I knew he wasn’t going to take that lightly so I had to block all the avenues he could reach me and made myself unavailable every time he came to my house or workplace until he eventually gave up. There were some days I missed him but not enough to want us back.

Self-absorbed in my thoughts, I remembered Romeo, my long-term Facebook buddy. Romeo seemed to me like a gentleman, I mean, his pictures said it all! He was tall, handsome, built, with a cute chocolatey smile. He often uploaded pictures with his family and he seemed to love his mum a lot. We’d casually chatted on several occasions in the past but it never went further than that. Regardless, I found myself stalking his page to know more about him. He was just too cute! Why ever didn’t I place him on my top list before? Maybe he’s the one! I thought with a huge grin. Hmm!

And so I flung open my laptop and bam! He was online. For some reasons, I became nervous but I desperately needed to start up a chat with him. I needed some spark! Ugh! I figured if I updated my status, perhaps, he’d notice that I’m online and send a chat first. Bored! *cancel* perfect weather for two! Shit….*cancel* I was clueless. Since when did updating a status become so hard! I had to damn it and just send a chat first. “Hey you”!

I pressed hard on my knuckles one after the other as I waited for his reply and in no time he’d began“typing”. I smiled! Almost reciting what I was going to reply next. Over a minute had passed and he was still “typing”. This made me even more excited! He must be stuck with his words trying to tell me how much he missed me, I thought. After two minutes, his reply came in “Hi”. I rolled my eye and hung it up for a long time before I could punch in my own reply. Hey, mister!

My excitement had dropped since I dint get the vibe that he missed me back.  All that came to mind was perhaps he was with a girl.

Oh selly, it’s you! My bad! You changed your name and then your display picture isn’t you. I thought it was a total stranger.”

My spirit rose again! I was happy! We got talking and catching up from where we last stopped. We’d exchanged all forms of pleasantries and all there was to know about each other until he asked the one question I’d been waiting for

“Are you in a relationship”?

There was no need to pretend about it, I meant to be as sincere as possible. I told him how I’d dealt with failed relationships in the past and gotten tied with guys I didn’t have feelings for. It was more like I was selling myself to him, convincing him to buy me. Oh well! Jenny once told me to use my charm to get any guy I wanted, I guess that’s what I hoped I was doing or I was about to do!

After telling him my relationship story, I asked about his and all he said was “I’m single”. That surely sounded like a lie to me! I wondered how a guy this hot could be single! Perhaps he wanted to prove in every way that he was available. I liked the sound of “single” coming from him but then again, the doubts. I expressed my doubts and he “LOL’d” and said “single by choice, but these girls keep coming”.

Cocky bastard! I retorted in my head almost quickly with a coy smile. I thought to myself, he’s one of those guys that get so carried away with their looks that they think they can sweep any girl off their feet. Whatever it was, he was actually already sweeping me off my feet as I’d been on his page throughout the chat drooling over his pictures and saving them one after the other. Too carried away, I didn’t realize we’d chatted till dawn.

The rain had stopped now. It was 3am. “I have to go to bed now gorgeous, my eyes are weak. Though I wish I could tuck you in bed and watch you sleep” My heart melted! It had been so long since a guy made me feel so mushy. I grinned from cheek to cheek reading that line over and over again. We exchanged smiley kisses and he asked for my number which I didn’t hesitate to give to him.

Call you later in the day cutie, sweet dreams”.

Where have you been all my life?! I screamed in excitement and for the first time in a long time, I slept like a baby!



‘Nonye J. Chidolue (@Nonyewrites)

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