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Welcome to season 2 of comedic tales of heart affairs and social media Bunkness….

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I have that chocolate skin with caramel topping, I carry front, I carry back……My name is Desire Peters, I am 22 and…you would find out more about me with time while I take you on a roller coaster of  my relationships gone bonkers!

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of “but you are a fine girl, why are you single” or “you are too fine to be single, I don’t believe you” from different people and the only thing that comes to my head when I hear this is “I am overqualified” LOL!

It’s not like I’ve never been a relationship, I just feel like it’s too much stress and unnecessary distraction. Well, that’s a lie, bet you already know. I’m only scared of being heartbroken. The guys have been coming but I always find a reason to say NO. Whether it is their use of English –This is where I have a lot of problem with naija guys because they have a problem with thisthe height, fashion sense, ego, IQ…the list just keeps going!

But old age is knocking and I figured I needed to get out there, so I have decided to be more open-minded.

By the way, I am a professional Instagram stalker *covers face*, so on this fateful day, as I was doing one of my favourite things, I got this DM, “Hello Cutie”.

Well, I have a mirror so trust me I know I am a cutie…but I still reply but not after checking this guy’s handle first and he seemed pretty cool, let’s just say he could pass for a 6 on a scale 0-10, so we get talking, and he asks for my BBM pin but I give him my WhatsApp Number instead. Am I the only one that thinks, BBM should be private? ☺. So this the nigga seems nice enough, constant chats, calls …all the initial shakara things.

BEEP! “I think we should meet, so we know if we can continue with our friendship”

and there’s me like “Abeg, who told this one he is a friend” but I reply

“OK, when?”

“Saturday is fine what do you think?” 

“Yh, yh…Saturday is cool but I have work early in the morning so maybe sometime in the afternoon” and he agrees.

Fortunately, Saturday’s work gets cancelled so I tell Mr Nice Guy, (oh I forgot, his name is Desmond) and of course he jumps at the thought of us meeting earlier than agreed.

11-45am Saturday morning…..

“Hey wassup, I’m on my way”

“AH, babe I’m still at home o” In my head, I already smell fuck up.

“No p dear I’ll meet you, where exactly are you”

“just left my house”

“OK, I’ll be there”.

Fortunately for me, Lagos seemed to be in the same spirit I was cos the roads were really free got there in about 45 mins. This is where the Gobe starts.

First of all, I was already pissed that we were meeting at one Mr Biggs branch, please who still goes to Mr Biggs in 2015…

5 mins…the number you dialed is not reachable at the moment.

15 mins…rings, no answer.

30 mins

“Hi, where are you” “I’m on my way, I’ll be there in a few minutes”

“OK”

50 mins… same response, by now I had lost my patience so I send a WhatsApp message “I think I should just go back home”

1 hr… “Hi dear, where are you”, and I tell him how to find me.

Finally, “Hello Desire, I’m so sorry, I’m Desmond, sorry to have kept you waiting” (*searches pockets*) shit! I forgot my wallet at home… (*Bells ringing in my head*)…Guys sha!

Then he asks, “What would you like to take?” Are you going to pay with fresh air? (In my head o) I just continued smiling, “a bottle of water would be fine thank you”. Then, he comes back with the water and some snacks … hmm.

We finally get past all the awkwardness and dive into a conversation and Bam! , this nigga starts talking about how he likes to have raw sex because he gets tested every other month (*how is this a first date topic?*). Then he asks if he could take a pic with me (*ritualist alert!*). To make it even worse, he starts getting touchy. At this point, there was no going back, I knew I had to ball! So, I nicely asked how much the things he ordered were and this young man started ranting about how I wanted to show that I was rich. Bros, abeg o! I just dey manage but still I won’t be caught dead washing dishes…

Are all Guys like this? I don’t think so, probably this guy is just bipolar or has some mental defects, I wasn’t so sure, all in all…

Date 1, 0 -10…SYNTAX ERROR!!!

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To be continued Next week

Written by :

Okon Bassey

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